2dAyS

it's been 54 hours. still a long 34 hrs before you're probably back.

What have I been doing?

Besides the daily stuff, I think most of it was spent thinking, thinking and thinking. Can't really even concentrate when I'm biking or working. Feels so empty.

The song that desribes what I feel is probably 'true'. Hmm, dunno how you feel, but I guess it's alright, as long as everything is safe and sound in your life, and you're enjoying yourself, that's all that really matters to me now. But sadly, I won't know what is happening during these 4 days that you're gone. I guess that's what's bothering me. hahas. Don't mind me saying all these. But I'm really in an indescribable mood.

There was once I felt this way too, but in the end, nothing came out of it. I've moved on, it was hard. Hopefully something better happen this time.

It's like sitting down here
and staring blankly
wondering how're you
doing out there alone

waiting silently for you
to be back from your trip
wishing you're safe
and hoping you'd fun

I think I'll just write a story.

The endless flashbacks torment him. Day and night it attacked him in his sleep ceaselessly. It made him sit straight up up in his bed all of a sudden, breaking out in cold sweat. How could she still be in his mind, wrecking it throughout the months since she left. All the words she said cuts through the heart and left it bleeding, unstitched.

Shrugging off the chain of thoughts, he went to the notebook he bought at the school. Looking for someone to talk to, he saw no one, who will understand what he was going through. Most guys just don't make good listeners. Or in this case, viewers of whatever he types on the instant messaging client. The good female friends he had who used to be closed to him has since drifted away since the graduation ceremony. He was about to turn the computer off when out of the corner of his eye, he spotted a familiar nickname coming online.

It was her, someone who he had just met, but couldn't keep out his mind. He would chat with, as well as play games online with her. Slowly but surely, this developed into a friendship. Over time, they started talking to one another over the phone. An hour turned into two, two turned into three, and three into four. Messages were exchanged frequently. Sometimes it was a bit funny for him, as she doesn't seem to be interested to chat at one time, and wants to at another time. In school whenever she passed, she doesn't really notice him, or does she? Sometimes she will subtlely talk to him, and for the rest of the day, he was happy to a noticeable extent. And when he is especially down, the moment she said something to him, he was lifted in his spirits again.

He didn't know that he would fall for someone so fast after the last one. He didn't want to, and wasn't planning to. He wanted to be alone, to be a better person before he starts afresh. However, she was the type of girl he had been waiting for all his life. What would he do? Could he abandon everything that he had worked for and be with her? Or would he just keep it inside him until the time is ripe, which may never even happen. Sad and confused, he couldn't bring himself to confide totally in anyone. Then there was this wonderful friend, who also came into his life, who wanted to help, to know more. He listened to him intently, and tries his best to give advices. He was very appreciative of his newly founded friend. It seemed that he wouldn't be so alone in his emotions after all.

At the meantime, she joined many organisations, sports groups, and interest groups, and was quite busy. However, he would try to make as much time as possible, to chat with her, or even to meet up with her, giving dumb excuses. He couldn't believe he was doing this. He will travel all the way just to meet her up, giving a silly excuse such as borrowing something, or that he happened to be on the way. And when she was alone walking home, or feeling bored, he would give her a call, and just spent time talking to her, regardless of what was happening, and even though he was tired, he said nothing, cause he just wanted to hear her voice, and to make sure she was safe. So it went on for quite sometime, and finally, they were waking each other up when needed, spent lots of time talking through the night with one another, smses were being flooded into each others inbox, and even meet ups were happening more often. He would help her in her studies, making notes, as well as buying food for her. He didn't mind, as long as she was happy.

It was during the examinations that they got a little more closer. And afterwards, she had to do her own stuff, and he too. But they still manage to hang out once in awhile. The chats became more frequent. He had to find a way to get to her place, especially since he had no private transport in the dead of the night. Thus, he went with his friend, exploring the way to her place, and when he finally knew, he was so jubilant. Now he could be there for her if she ever needed someone. He knew all the biking was proabbly unecessary, but he understood it was worth a try, anything to get near her.

A new fear came into his heart. Would she become afraid of him? Would she think that he had became obsessed with her? Would she turned away from him? He hoped not and prayed with all his heart that nothing of that sort happened. He just want to care for her, love her, and make her happy. And even if she doesn't know, he'll still be glad that she's happy.

She told him that she's got a overseas camp coming up. It was only 4 days, but it seemed like an eternity to him. He regreted not joining the same organisation when he's got the chance and the qualification. What would happen during the camp he'll never know, but he very much want her to be alright, to be safe, and to enjoy and learn. He was disappointed that she would be going without him, but he choose not to let it show. Instead, he decided to help her to get the best out of it. He encouraged her to go for it. He bought some stuff she needed, help her with the list, and bought her food on a late night, and he didn't mind having to fork out the money, time and effort, travelling to and fro. He just wanted her to be able enjoy herself, and come back with a smile and wonderful experiences.

He did something he never did before. He made her chocolates and in the process, got his hands superglued when he tried to fix up the giftbox. He wanted her to have it before she went off. And so he met her at her place and was very happy for the short hour they got together. It was the closeset warmth he had ever felt. It touched his heart deeply to see her smile so widely.

The last night they were chatting. She was a little busy in the room where she was staying in for the night before she goes. He waited for her the whole night, smsing occasionally coming in, calls too. He waited until he was totally exhausted and fell asleep. And he still keeps the last sms she sent in his phone, waiting for the day when she'll be back. Now, he spents his days in daze, thinking about the day when she'll be back again. Agonising over the countdown of the hours. Everything he did, he was reminded of her, he wondered how she was, what she was doing, and smiled when he thought about the fun she was probably having. But his heart was missing her so much, he didn't know why. He just couldn't concentrate on anything for long. He hoped that the day will pass by quickly, so he can see her once again.

It's probably another day and a half before she'll be back, and his heart pines for her. He really want her to come back happy and safe. Anything else, and he'll probably go crazy. But for now, he'll just wait. And as every second ticks away, he still feels uneasy. He will probably not have a good rest until he sees her. And when he does, there'll be so much they have to talk about.

He misses her badly.
To a point when every matter of his life was affected.
He needs her.
But he doesn't know how to make her his.