inconcrete

woke up late today. then had to rush to school in a hurry. Thankfully, I reach on the dot.

First lesson was MU, followed by NF which an incident occured and made me quite mad. Kind of have to control myself. The quiet rage I felt was so intense and even now it simmers. Occasionally provoke by someone close and someone not. But I've got to keep myself in check. Sigh. Somethings just can't be helped. I don't want to be disappointed again. How I need God. I need Him, His help now.

I knew it whenever I spoke of it, I saw it in your eyes. Don't worry bud. I don't want to owe you anything. Will try to return it asap.

I need peace. I need care. I need love. I need strength. God, someone. That someone. Everything is in Your hands now.



Sigh. Just thought I need to add something here.

I have walk these few years, trying to meet needs, care for people, give them attention as much as I can. No doubt, I have dislike for some people, but it never really amount to hatred. It does gets tiring. Sometimes I can't help but be a little sick of life's burdens, bills and boredom. The motivation comes not only from Him, but some hers as well. I guess in the end, I still need someone who is physical, to shower on me what I've been giving out but not getting. Somethings that I choose to do, some people will never know, even though how much it will affect their lives in a positive way. As a result of me feeling 'neglected' in some ways, I guess I've become more selfish and uncaring, as well as very tired of the hypocrisy of man. Do they know someone is always caring for them, watching over them, seeing into their hearts and knowing their problems and wanting to try his best to help them solve it? I don't dare to say I've done a lot, but I knowed I cared, I knowed I shared, I know I loved. Perhaps all this rage inside of me is because I felt I have tolerated the nonsense enough.

Don't get me wrong, I will still try my best. But I really don't know how long I can last. I keep tapping into God, but my harvest has not come, merely drawing near. I have to wait. It's torturous. Please don't keep telling me you guys are there. I know and I know, I'm appreciative. I'm not ignorant of how some people has contribute into my life. But there are those I really would love to have, who come and go, after everything. Yeps, I shouldn't get disappointed. I've moved on one after another. I've learned to love again. Yet each time, the same things happens. The same kind of highs and lows, the same fading into the distance, the same far away feeling. I see people hurting everywhere, and my heart bleeds with them. Sometimes I wonder if it pays to be kind to the mean, to care for the wicked.

It's those late nights, those long hours, those unending wait, those agonising moments, those disappointing times, those depressing periods. They mark my life. How many more do I have to conquer? Is this my life's purpose, if it is, so be it. Let my will be your will, let my actions be in your will. If I'm suppose to go through all this hard times, then let it be. My flesh is weak. Give me your grace. I need it like never before. I knew this was going to be a tough year. I know something else might be happening soon. Something that will have a big impact on my life. Then again, let it be. I've nothing on this world that is too dear. I've faced hardships of youths, gotten unsurfaced persecutions, unknown dangers, uncertain rejections, yet I stand. Surely it is You and You alone who have preserved me. Hold me close. You know I would not mind departing from this world and into eternal glory, but I know I have work here to do. I come to You once again for strength. To live a life of a victor and nothing else. Let your glory so shine. I now know the purpose why I'm writing this.

Give me your peace if only for a moment. For I know a moment in your courts is more worthwhile than eternity of riches. Come persecutions, come rejections, come hardships, I'm made for you. I am made a soldier, army of the most High. Come now. And my reward shall be given to me on this earth. I will seek to fufil the Great Commission and obey the Great Commandment. You will lift me up when I fall, and I will be stronger because you are in me. You'll never leave me nor forsake me.

Let me live, by Your mercy and by Your grace.

Last thing: I know I really like you. No matter what, now just happens to not be the time. No togetherness. But I'll be there if you need anyone to be. I'll care when no one else does. I'll be the angel that watches over. You'll never know you're the one who can take away the pain that wrecks my life. But it is probably in the will if it stays that way. Only God knows what will happen. But I hope everything I say will stay true.