Hurted, Wounded, Demoralised, Disappointed.

Well, what a week it has been, nothing but the title etched out in my heart. I dun like to whine and I dun like whiners, but there's is simply so much inside that I can't bear it anymore. That's why I turn to you, blog, my own world.

I had enough threats of breaking up you know, it isn't a simple word that was used. It hurts and frustrates a lot to have someone keep saying the same thing to you out of fun or seriously. I love her, but this cannot happen all the time. I admit I've let her down in many ways imaginable, but I'm not the superhuman. What she wants, I'd do my best to get it for her, yet she never really showed that she appreciate most of the time. When she smsed again, I knew I could take it no longer. It's either she learn to understand, or I break down and we break up. Gone through too many heart pain. I sound cruel, but I rather end it then to drag it any longer so that we will not be traumatised. I wished it will all work out in the end. I wish we all could be who we are and yet get along perfectly, to love each other till the end of time. Perhaps it was too early to go into this kinda relationship, but I was serious about it. I still wish for it to happen, but somehow it seems so far away now. It hurts, it stings me deep in the heart. Even more so when she told me how she hated me. As if I was the one who want to break up all the while, as if I'm hurt her all the time. I concede defeat. If I can't win because she sees me already a loser, then I have lost her. It really broke my heart. Like an unseen force tearing and shredding it to pieces. She must have felt the same. We just couldn't think the same way. I feel so downed, drowning in emotions so strong it's difficult to back away. Even now it continues tearing, ripping off pieces. My first love, I wish it was the last. Dunno whether I can trust myself ever again, or another girl for the matter. Everything she said were like poisoned arrows shot at my heart. It was vicious. Maybe because it was the way she thought I behaved. It hurt like crazy. It hurt like crazy.

I am a little laid back, I know. But I loved the souls of friends like no others. I love people, I try to be gentle to them. I forgive my enemies, yeah, I make fun of them, but I still have the passion to reach out to them. It kills me spiritually inside to have people tell me that I do not seem to have the passion to reach out, to evangelise and make friends. Well, maybe towards other people's friends I lack the passion, but I will work on it. I will talk to them, go out with them. I really dun understand why people have to say things like that. They dunno what's in my heart, let God judge me. But it hurts to think that's what someone you look up to think of you. I dunno whether I'm right saying all these. But, out out of the many new friend who came, 6/10 who stayed were the ones I brought. I do not want to claim credit. It was Jesus who died on the cross for them. But surely that tells a lot about how I've been working hard to reach out to make disciples of all nations, to obey the great commission. If it's so hard for people to understand me, then I guess I'll just take their word not as deeply as before. It's not worth it wounding my spirit while doing my best.

well, you have seen enough, thanks. I do not know whether I have the faith and patience of Job who went through worse. I'm very tempted now to just backslide, go into the world to do what the devil wants me to do. Pray for me will you? I dunno how many more bad things going to happen before I break down or break through. :)